What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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