just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
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