He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
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