We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
You need Xanax blowdarts
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
