my phone cant type all the emotion im having
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
