I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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