tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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