I wish my penis had an off switch
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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