Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
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