please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
