Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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