end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
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