You made me cry and you don't even care
dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
