I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Randomize
