the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
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