i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
