My Higher Power is John Stamos
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
My ass is underappreciated
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
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