theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
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