I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
