dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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