you turned your livingroom into a bong?
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
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