I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
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