she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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