I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Randomize