I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize