Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
