hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Randomize