well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
I smell like Dick and happiness
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
