Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
We have so much sex to catch up on
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Randomize
