my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
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