my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
