I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
