So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I think my nap took me to another dimension
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
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