I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
i out mim tonsoeep
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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