booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
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