i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
