i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Randomize
