It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
