Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize