i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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