I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
