He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
The beer is more important than you right now.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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