I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
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