I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Randomize