I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
