dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Randomize
