they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
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