We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
