I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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