It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
Randomize
