you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Randomize