Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
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