We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize
