i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
