So it's 10:55am and I just woke up on the floor in the hallway on the4th floor. There should probably be no moredrinking competetions.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Randomize
