I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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