the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
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