my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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