somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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