Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Randomize
